That hefty question–should I stay or should I go?– weighs heavy on the heart. It often feels far too huge and overpowering, with too many moving parts to get any clear answer. And so nothing changes, nothing gets resolved, even as you wonder every single day what you should do.
Here’s a tip: stop trying to answer that one big question. Break it into smaller ones.
Below are three questions I ask clients to reflect on when they’re feeling trapped by indecision. I encourage you to take a look, reflect, and write down your answers. Writing challenges your brain to process your thoughts differently than just ruminating, and allows you to see your thoughts in black and white.
Now, these answers aren’t necessarily going to provide a definitive answer, but they can help you get clearer about where you’ve been, where you are, where you’d like to be. No one ever has to see this, so write honestly and freely as you can.
1. How have you tried to improve your situation?
Many people are surprised by their answer. Some realize they’ve tried in more ways, and for far longer than they give themselves credit for. Others notice they’ve mostly been hoping the other person will change, or that they’ve thought about trying things without actually doing them. Sometimes people realise they haven’t explicitly told their spouse that certain problems need addressing.
Write for five minutes without editing. What specific actions have you taken to improve your relationship? What has your spouse done? (Be honest!) What actions haven’t you tried, but would like to? And if you don’t want to try anything to improve matters, why not?
2. What are you afraid might happen if you stay?
Leaving a marriage is scary, even when the situation feels nearly unbearable. Money fears, worries about your kids, and a sense of judgment or shame can nail us in place. But take a moment to consider what staying might mean for you.
Write about your specific concerns about staying in your relationship. What hurtful patterns are you afraid will continue? What effect do you think these difficulties might have on you in the short-term? In the long term? What might interrupt these patterns, other than divorce or separation?
3. What would you like your life to look like a year from now?
Knowing what you want your life to look like in the future allows you to identify your priorities and desires. It helps you shift from simply trying to escape an unhappy situation to moving toward something you truly want and feel excited about.
If you had a magic wand, what would your life look like a year from now? Where are you living? Who is around you? How are you earning a living? How do you feel when you wake up? What are you doing with your days? Is your spouse there? In what way are they different from the way they are right now? If they aren’t there, what is your relationship with them like? This is an exercise in imagination so go with what your heart wants, not what’s immediately possible. Making it happen is a different exercise.
Keep Going
If you find these questions helpful, you can keep going. These are just three of ten questions in my free workbook, Should I Stay or Should I Go? This workbook helps you take calm look at your marriage, life, desires, and needs from several perspectives. Download the workbook here.
**WORKSHOP ALERT! Sometimes it’s easier to do this kind of reflection with a little support. I’m considering running a small, guided writing workshop where I’d lead a small group of you through questions such as these, step by step, so you’re not facing a blank page alone. There will be absolutely no pressure to share your story or thoughts aloud. The program will be for your own insight.
Curious? Join the workshop waitlist.
There’s no commitment. Emails will come under a neutral name, subject line, and address with no mention of separation or divorce.
