That first big question–should I stay in my marriage or should I leave?–can be one of the hardest to answer.
It’s often far too huge and overwhelming to get any clear answer.
My tip? Stop trying.
Break that big question into smaller ones.
Below are three (of many) questions I ask clients to reflect on when they’re feeling trapped by indecision. I encourage you take a look, reflect, and write your answers. Writing challenges your brain to process your thoughts differently than just ruminating, and allows you to see these thoughts in black and white.
Now, these answers aren’t necessarily going to provide a definitive answer, but they can help you get clearer about where you’ve been, where you are, where you’d like to be.
1. How have you tried to improve the situation?
Many people are surprised by their answer. Some realize they’ve tried far more than they give themselves credit for. Others notice they’ve mostly been hoping the other person will change, or that they’ve thought about trying things without actually doing them.
Write for five minutes without editing. What have you done to improve things? What has your spouse done? What haven’t you tried, but would like to? And if you don’t want to try, why not?
2. What are you afraid might happen if you stay?
People usually have a quick answer for why they’re afraid to leave a marriage, even when the situation feels almost unbearable: money, worries about the kids, fears about how their spouse will react, a sense of judgment or shame can nail us in place. But take a moment to consider what staying might mean for you.
Write about your specific concerns. What painful patterns are you afraid will continue? What might interrupt these patterns, other than divorce?
3. What would you like your life to look like a year from now? Five years now?
Knowing what you want your life to look like in the future allows you to identify your priorities and desires. It changes your mindset from simply trying to escape an unhappy situation to moving toward something you truly want.
Write from your heart: if you had a choice, what would your life look like a year from now? Where are you living? Who is around you? How do you feel when you wake up? What are you doing with your days? How are you earning a living? No one ever has to see this, so write honestly and freely.
Keep Going
If you found these questions helpful, you can keep going. These are just three of ten questions in my free workbook, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, which helps you take calm look at your marriage, life, desires, and needs from several perspectives. Download the workbook here.
**Workshop alert! Sometimes it’s easier to do this kind of reflection with a little support. I’m planning to hold a small, guided writing workshop where I’d lead you through these questions and others step by step, so you’re not facing a blank page alone. There will be absolutely no pressure to share your story or thoughts aloud. The program will be for your own insight.
Curious? Add your name to the wait list.
Joining the wait list is not a commitment to take the workshop. Emails will come under a neutral name, subject line, and address with no mention of separation or divorce.
