Avoid These 5 Common Mistakes in Early Divorce

Divorce is rarely easy, but the early days of divorce can be a particularly confusing time.

While confusion is perfectly normal in divorce, decisions made in confusion are rarely good ones. They might seem reasonable in the moment, but down the road you may realise that they’ve caused far more regret and wasted time and money than they’re worth.

Thankfully, with foresight (and sometimes gritted teeth), you can avoid many mistakes that can come back to haunt you. Take a look at five of the most consequential mistakes that happen early in the divorce process and how you can avoid them.

1. Making big decisions too quickly

When everything feels overwhelming, it is easy to rush decisions about money, housing, or legal strategy. Whether you just want to “get things over with” or it’s your soon-to-be-ex pushing for speed, slow. things. down. Give yourself time to think about how you want to proceed and gather accurate information.‍ ‍These two steps are vital for clarity in early divorce.

In these early days, carefully consider your top divorce goals so you can remain clear about what matters most to you throughout the process. Is it having full custody of the kids? Ensuring that you receive a share of their pension? Keeping hostility to a minimum? Also, obtain a full picture of your financial position. That should include all assets, debts, liabilities, as well as your current and future needs. Without this information, you’re negotiating in the dark, and you won’t see the damage that’s been done until later.

2. Letting emotions drive decisions

Strong emotions are an inevitable part of divorce. Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, and even relief can appear, sometimes all in the same day. When there's a chance that strong emotion is clouding your judgment, hit pause and check in with yourself before taking any divorce-related action. Are you making choices that focus on “winning” for winning’s sake, or reaching a reasonable settlement? Is that nasty email you’re about to send going to make anything better, or might it be used as evidence against you? Are you giving in to something because you’re emotionally exhausted, or because it’s something truly not worth fighting about?

Always ask yourself whether an action or decision brings you closer to your long-term divorce goals. Use meditation or mindfulness to clear your head, or talk to a professional who can help you make choices that truly serve your long-term interests. Letting emotion run the show escalates conflict and drives legal costs up… way up.

3. Rushing to court

Many people refuse to believe that mediation or another collaborative approach to divorce will work for them. But not every divorce requires a court battle to reach a reasonable outcome–even if you were at each other’s throats during the marriage. (Believe me, I’ve seen it!) A non-litigious path can open the door to solutions that are often less stressful, faster, and much, much less expensive.

True, mediation or a collaborative approach isn’t right for everyone, especially if abuse or coercive control has been part of your marriage. If that’s the case, letting the court decide may be your best option.

But if you're heading to court hoping it will right the emotional wrongs of your marriage, you should know: that's not a court’s job. A courtroom exists to apply the law, divide assets, and settle legal questions. It’s not there to provide emotional justice or make your STBX pay for wrongdoings. Many people spend years and tens of thousands of dollars fighting for a sense of justice they never get.

If a less adversarial path is possible for you, it's better for your mind, body, and wallet. It's worth a try before you assume court is your only option.

4. Thinking short-term

When you are still processing what is happening, it can feel easier to agree to your spouse’s terms just to reduce tension in the moment. But never forget that even though your feelings in the moment feel super present, divorce isn’t about right now, it’s about your future.

It's crucial to develop a realistic vision of this new future and understand how each divorce-related decision will affect it. It’s hard, especially if you’ve been blindsided by the divorce. But taking the time to understand what you want, what's realistically possible, and the long-term consequences of each decision will help you make choices that truly serve you.

5. Meeting with a divorce lawyer without preparing first

Many people walk into their first meeting with a lawyer, unsure what to ask, what information to bring, or even what they want from the lawyer other than to tell them what to do. I can’t emphasize enough how critical it is to understand what you're looking for in a divorce lawyer before meeting with them, and ask carefully selected questions to learn how they’ll approach your case and how they operate generally. Choosing the right lawyer at the outset can save you an immense amount of frustration in the long run. The last thing you need is extra frustration as you go through divorce.

**On that note, if you want to know more about how to choose the right divorce lawyer, download my free guide: “How to Get the Support You Need From Your Divorce Lawyer.”

How a divorce coach can help

As a divorce coach, I'm here to help you avoid common divorce mistakes such as these by guiding you through your options calmly, and helping you make decisions with long-term vision and clarity. Book a free 30-minute introductory session with me to learn more about how I can help. 

Wishing you peace, balance, and happier days ahead. ✨ - Barbara