Co-Parenting vs Parallel Parenting–Which is right for you?

Have you ever noticed that “co-parenting” is often used as the default term for parenting after divorce?

If you’re new to the divorce world, you might think co-parenting is your only option. But parallel parenting is another style of parenting after divorce that might be better suited to your family’s needs.

Let’s take a look at both approaches.

The basics of co-parenting

Coparenting is when both parents work as a team to raise their children after separation or divorce. You make cooperative decisions regarding major aspects of your kids’ lives, such as education, health care, religious upbringing. But you also confer with each other about their day-to-day lives, and try to remain in general alignment about issues such as bedtimes, disciplinary measures, and homework.

As part of the divorce, you’ll create a co-parenting plan that embodies the rules and guidelines you come up with together so both of you (and the children) will know exactly what to expect in a variety of circumstances.

When it works well, co-parenting offers many benefits. It allows parents to communicate respectfully, make joint decisions, and maintain a sense of continuity across two homes. Children often benefit from that collaboration in numerous ways, including having increased emotional stability and seeing their parents model healthy conflict resolution.

But co-parenting works best when the parents treat each other with mutual respect and have workable communication.  In families where even the most basic conversations leads to conflict and escalation, or there's abuse, trying to force collaboration can create more instability, not less.

What parallel parenting offers

When exes are in constant high-conflict or have an abusive relationship, parallel parenting may be the best option. Instead of creating a parenting plan that focuses on shared responsibility and alignment, each parent makes their own rules and decisions about the child’s schedule, responsibilities, activities and discipline when the child is in their physical custody.

Communication between parents is limited to essential information, often in writing, through text and scheduling apps. Schedules and boundaries are clearly defined to reduce misunderstandings.

Parallel parenting gives both parents space to stay involved while reducing direct contact. Although the situation may not feel ideal, it can bring a level of predictability that children rely on and, most importantly, reduce their exposure to parental conflict, which is fundamental to their mental health.

Research in child development consistently shows that ongoing exposure to parental conflict has a greater impact on children’s well-being than any specific custody structure. The “right” custody structure is the one that lowers conflict and protects the child’s sense of security.

How a divorce coach can help

Co-parenting and parallel parenting each have their pros and cons, and it’s not always easy to decide which is right for your family. If you need guidance thinking through whether co-parenting, parallel parenting or something in-between would work best for your family, contact me.

I offer a free 30-minute introductory session where you can learn more about how I can help you. Contact me today to set up a time to talk.

Wishing you peace, balance, and happier days ahead. ✨ - Barbara