3 Strategies for Recovering Your Balance During Divorce
As I discussed in my last blog post, finding balance during divorce doesn’t mean that you’re always on top of things or in complete control. Rather, it’s about finding a way to stay as steady as possible when life gets shaky.
Knowing how to recover your emotional balance when you’re thrown off your game is crucial in divorce. It can keep small conflicts from becoming big ones–and big ones from turning into ugly raging dumpster fires.
Check out these three practical strategies and keep them at the ready for when you feel the ground trembling beneath your feet.
1. Deep Breathing
Okay, I know deep breathing sounds cliché, but there’s really strong science behind the advice.
When we’re angry or stressed, our nervous system (the sympathetic nervous system) puts us on high alert. Our breathing quickens, heart rate spikes, and muscles tense to prepare our bodies for quick, protective action, such as fighting or fleeing.
On the other hand, deep, slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve. This nerve sends out an “all clear” signal to our bodies and mind, telling the the fight-or-flight response to calm down. Our breathing and heart rate returns to normal, our muscles relax, and we’re able to think more clearly.
So, the next time you have a destabilising emotional interaction with your ex (or soon-to-be-ex), try not to react right away. Take a moment to breathe. This small act can make a huge difference in helping you act from intention rather than emotion…and might even stop you from doing something you’d regret.
Sometimes just two or three slow, deep breaths might do the trick, but if you need more, try the “Box Breathing” technique:
Breathe in deeply and slowly through your nose for four counts. Focus on the air passing through your nostrils and filling your lungs. Make sure your lungs fill completely.
Hold the breath for another slow count of four.
Exhale through your mouth for another four counts. Focus on the air leaving your lungs and passing through your mouth. Deplete the air in your lungs as much as possible.
Hold the breath again for four counts.
Repeat the exercise several times, focusing only on your breathing and counting, until you feel calmer.
Pro Tip: Work on making deep breathing an automatic response to feeling upset. You can help yourself develop this habit by using a certain cue word as a mental nudge. For example, whenever you feel tension or anger building, you might say: pause, or calm, or timeout, then immediately begin your breath work. Consider writing your cue word on a post-it note and stick it in places you’re likely to see it as a reminder.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
“Set boundaries” is another phrase you probably hear all the time, but might not have given much thought to what it means, and how it applies to your life.
A boundary is your line in the sand. The one that if your ex crosses, you know you’re going to lose it. And by “it,” I mean your temper, your peace, your dignity, your privacy, your sense of autonomy, or whatever else is helping you hold yourself together.
When it comes to setting boundaries, think of each boundary as a line protected by an invisible force field. When anyone tries to intrude on your emotional space or drain your energy by crossing that line, you quickly and firmly activate the force field to block them from getting through. It’s not rude or mean…it’s self-protective. And you absolutely deserve to protect yourself.
How to go about it? Try these five steps.
Decide where you need boundaries the most. Consider what kind of behaviors or interactions with your ex leave you feeling drained, angry, or emotionally off-balance. Do they have a habit of texing or calling late at night? Do discussions devolve into nasty scream-fests? Do they often want to make changes to the custody schedule at the last moment? Take notice of the top 5 behaviors that trigger you and write them down.
Think about what kind of boundary will help you feel protected. If your ex often texts you at an inappropriate or inconvenient hour, you might decide that you will only look at texts from them during hours you find appropriate. If they scream instead of talk during discussions, you can decide that you will not engage with them unless they are calm. If they’re always asking to switch around the days with the kids at the last minute, you can decide the circumstances under which you will say no (e.g., non-emergencies). And so forth.
Practice aloud how you’ll communicate your boundary to your ex. Formulate short, firm declarative statements that make your boundary clear. For example, if your ex has a tendency to text or call late, you might say:
“I can’t have serious discussions before bed, so from now on, I’m only going to answer texts/answer the phone between 9am and 9pm.”
For the ex who starts being nasty during discussions:
“I can’t have a productive discussion where there’s screaming or nastiness. Let’s take a break and talk again in 10 minutes/an hour/tomorrow, when we’re calmer.”
For the ex who wants always make changes to the custody/visitation schedule:
“Last minute changes don’t work for me. From now on, we’re sticking to the schedule in parenting agreement.”
Pick your battles. It’s best not to draw boundaries around everything that irritates you, and drop them on your ex all at once. That’s going to be overwhelming, for you and your ex. Prioritize those boundaries best protect your peace and allow you to function better in your day-to-day. Once those are in place and working well, gradually add others, if necessary.
Stick with it. Consistency is your secret weapon. It sends the message that your boundaries are non-negotiable. It may feel scary to stake this boundary, but you’ll feel stronger, more empowered, and more in control when you show respect for your own limits.
Pro tip: Don’t forget to set boundaries for other people in your life, if needed. Well-meaning friends, family, and even certain acquaintances may need to know what you can and can’t handle right now. You have every right to protect your energy by being clear about your limits. Try some phrases like these:
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not ready to talk about the divorce yet.”
“I know you want to help, but right now, I can’t deal with any advice unless I ask for it. It’s just helpful that you’re here for me.”
“It means a lot that you care, but I’m not comfortable sharing those details. I need to keep some things private.”
3. Label Your Emotions
Feeling a jumble of strong emotions during divorce is normal and pretty much unavoidable. Anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt, relief and even hope can sweep through your mind and body all at once, leaving you feeling confused and exhauster.
One of the most grounding steps you can take is to label what you’re feeling. In psychology, this is called “affect labeling.” Numerous studies show that labeling emotions actually calms the nervous system and lessens the intensity of that emotion almost immediately.
Why?
Well, when you identify an emotion and say to yourself, “This is grief” or “I’m feeling angry,” you give your brain a framework. Suddenly, the emotion isn’t just chaos…it’s something specific that can be dealt with in a particular way. You recognize what’s affecting you and you have the power proactively handle it.
The next time you feel an intense emotion that’s knocking you off-kilter, try this:
Take a moment to identify the feeling you’re experiencing. Ask yourself what happened to make you feel the way you do, and what word would best describe how you’re feeling.
Call the emotion by its name. Repeat it aloud, so you can hear yourself.
“I feel anxious.”
“I feel hurt.”
“This is sadness.”
Decide how you want to handle the emotion. Once you’ve named the emotion, decide what to do with it. Anger might mean you need to set a boundary. Sadness might mean you need to rest or reach out for support. Anxiety might be a sign you need to think through a practical solution or find information that would bring you peace.
Labeling doesn’t make the pain vanish, but it transforms the feelings from something overwhelming into something manageable. And once you’re feeling emotionally stable again, you can take sensible, useful action.
Pro Tip: If you want to create more objective distance between you and the emotion you’re feeling, use words that help separate you from the emotion. For example, you might say, “I am experiencing the feeling of shame” or “I am noticing feelings of guilt in my body.” This slight disassociation can help remind you that your emotions are a temporary state. It’s okay feel them that at that moment, but it’s also okay to let them go.
***
Do you want to divorce with greater balance?
As a divorce coach, I can help you manage your emotions, set boundaries, and make informed divorce or separation-related decisions from a place of clarity and calm. Contact me today for a free introductory session.
