Why You Shouldn’t Be Quick to Write Off Amicable Divorce (Even if it Seems Impossible)
I was recently talking with a friend who is considering divorce, and she mentioned that if she did proceed with it, she didn’t think it would be amicable. When I asked her what she meant, she said something along the lines of: “We’re getting along so poorly right now, I can’t imagine how it’ll be when we’re actually divorcing. I just know everything is going to be a huge fight.”
But you know what? Just because you and your spouse didn’t get along in marriage doesn’t mean that you can’t have an amicable divorce.
It’s true. I’ve seen it happen.
An amicable divorce doesn’t mean that you and your soon-to-be ex are close, like-minded, or even friendly. What it means is that you’re able to find a way to treat each other with enough respect to reach an agreement without letting conflict spiral into a court battle.
The truth is, there’s a certain degree of conflict in almost every divorce. The thing that separates an amicable divorce from a contentious one is how the parties manage that conflict. When you allow emotions like hurt, anger, or fear to drive your actions and decisions, or let certain old, unhealthy patterns take over, it’s hard to avoid the kind of drama that leads to prolonged litigation, skyrocketing legal bills, and greater emotional damage.
However, when you choose to stay focused on coming up with solutions that will help you shape your post-divorce life into what you want it to be, you position yourself for a less traumatic split and a healthier fresh start.
I’m not saying that amicable divorce is easy. You may need to grit your teeth during discussions… a lot. (Read about that in my next blog post .)And I'm not saying that it will be possible for every couple, particularly in physically or emotionally abusive relationships or where there’s too much anger. But if there’s even a chance to split amicably, give it a try. Your future self will thank you.
Consider these five mega-benefits of amicable divorce:
Less Conflict, Less Stress
One of the biggest benefits of an amicable divorce is that it reduces conflict, rather than escalating it—and that's good for everyone involved. Unnecessary war over custody, finances, or property issues can spike stress and anxiety levels, exhausting you mentally and physically and making it harder to think clearly and make well-considered decisions.
An amicable approach changes that. By focusing on communication, compromise, and respect (and using tools like coaching, mediation, or collaborative discussions), couples can resolve issues constructively. The result is calmer, clearer decision-making, less stress, and a smoother, more balanced transition to your new life.
Saves Money and Time
A high-conflict divorce can drag on for months—or even years—and it can be crazy expensive. Court hearings, lawyer meetings, and financial assessments add up fast. Whether you’re in France, the UK, or the U.S., high-conflict divorces can cost upwards of €70,000, £70,000, or $70,000. Even a moderate-conflict divorce, although less expensive, can still cost tens of thousands. And after all that time and money, you might still walk away emotionally damaged by the process and without getting what you truly need or want.
When you choose an amicable approach, the process often moves faster, and you spend substantially less. (In France, for example, the average cost of an amicable divorce ranges between 2,000€ and 4,000€). Mediated or collaborative discussions let you focus on solutions, not battles. And because you’re actively negotiating for what matters to you, you’re more likely to get what you truly need and want. The money you save by avoiding court can help you start your new life on a more sound financial footing.
Better for the Kids
If you have kids, staying amicable is to their enormous benefit. Even when the marriage ends, your role as co-parents continues, and how you handle the divorce can set the tone of your parenting relationship for years to come. By approaching divorce amicably, you’re modeling to your children how to communicate respectfully, make decisions, and work through conflict in a healthy manner. It also helps lessen their emotional stress and give them a greater sense of security, both of which can help them adjust to the familial changes more smoothly and have a lasting, positive impact on their well-being.
Allows for Customized Solutions
You may not realize it, but one of the best things about an amicable divorce is that you get to shape your own solutions. Courts have rules, but they don’t know the details of your family or what will actually work for you. They might come up with a solution that works for you…but honestly? They might not.
Going the amicable route allows you to make creative arrangements for parenting schedules, property division, and finances–the sort of plans that a judge is unlikely to come up with on their own. Such flexibility is empowering and helps you feel more in control.
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Do you need help seeing your way toward an amicable divorce?
As a divorce coach, I can help you stay focused on your goals and make informed decisions from a place of clarity and calm. Need to talk? Contact me today for a free introductory session.
